Hating Love
The Scream of the Child

Mother, if I'm tired this can make you smile proud to have me, I would.

Mom if you want me dead even though I'll make what you want because after dad there's not only you left and my brothers.

Your mother pokus my main. If you are happy for my hard work then I will say that my hard work is not in vain. But ma'am, please don't tell me too often "it's better to die.." 'cause if you keep on like that, it'll just make me look bad to you.

I know I'm not capable enough to be comparable to others so I always try my best to make you proud of my presence.

Mother do you know if sometimes I think our relationship is like a superior with his subordinates and I act as your subordinate?

Not without reason I think like that but because it's as if you don't allow me to be quiet and when I'm silent you'll keep telling people that I'm not doing anything even you tell me to my brothers.

Doesn't it look like I'm a little subordinate of this being complained to the big boss?

It's so beautiful not my life that sometimes big bosses step in to handle me?

How come people out there don't envy me being directly noticed by the big boss?

Haha... I really want to laugh because of this but unfortunately my chest is too tight to laugh off.

I was afraid that there would be a flood coming because my tears were like a waterfall: ')

Do you know ma'am, I'm saying that right now because I can't hold it myself anymore?.

I was silent for no reason. I also spoke because wanting to express my opinion was accepted or not is your right.

I'm really depressed about this feeling, I want to be the best for you but I'm the worst for you.

Sometimes I choose to walk away from you not without reason but because I don't want to argue at length with you.

I think it's better to stay away from you because I think that I'm actually a burden in your eyes.

Mom, if I leave someday, I hope you still have time to pray for me.

Mom, I'm sorry that your son hasn't been able to make you proud of me.

I'm sorry I'm not worth it.

Mom one day I'll get ahead of you to go far. I say this because I feel really tired and depressed over all the wishes you have told me.

You were the one who pushed me to walk to higher ground but I was not able to until I finally fell from a height.

My mother may not know how you lived in the past before me, but can you not equate me with you?

To be honest, you're demanding too much of me, making me physically and mentally depressed.

Mom, I can't talk to you directly so I wrote it here.

I don't want to talk about this in person because I don't want your heart to be hurt by me, but with this you won't know who I am and might just think it's just writing.

It doesn't matter to me if you don't believe this, but you should know that this was actually written by your son.

Yes, it's me mom. The child that you may have thought you had been spoiling but you have actually plunged into the abyss of despair for not being able to make yourself satisfied with my hard work.

Mom, do you think you've ever supported me? How do you support me? What is it about comparing myself to others so that I can understand and know my own shortcomings?

Have you ever thought about how I felt at that time?

I'll tell you, Mom, it hurts so much!

There were no more words I wanted to engrave to fix all of this, but it was enough to explain what I was feeling right now.

Mom, I've survived not just your pressure.

I have to accept other things outside the family environment such as school and community environment as well.

Ma'am, have you ever thought of the reason for the crying on my return when school was over?

Do you know what they did to me at school?

Have you ever investigated or found out what happened? Nah! All you know is that I came home and cried from being ridiculed, right?! If you want to know that's not all I've even been pitted against with my teachers and friends.

There were even those who threw stones and ice at me the most piercing to date was when someone said they would stab me in the eye using a dagger.

You know that, Mom?!

You don't know because you never find out and you'll always say: "What if you don't have friends right now because your brother used to be ..."

Mom, why do you always compare me to them? WHY HUH?!

Was I not expected by you? Is it because I'm troubling you too much because of my pain, Mom?

Mom, I'm honestly sad when I get sick because I have to keep bothering you.

Ma'am, maybe I'm the biggest burden of your life because of my pain and my delinquency. Isn't mom?

Mom, for the umpteenth time I want to apologize through this writing, although I do not know whether you will read it or not, but at least through this writing I pour out my heart to represent some people who feel the same feelings as me.

Through this, hopefully, those who read understand the difficulties of a child and a child can be more open to both parents.

Get well soon for people who have been hurt physically and mentally. Hopefully next you can better convey what you crave even through writing as long as it does not make your personality worse.

Goodbye guys, I hope to see you again in another episode...

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