My Love Journey's
Chance no?

By the time I finally accepted my mother back, she never stopped saying that my soul was always shining, she could see it since I was born. You are smart, she said, beautiful, and more than that, you have a big heart.

Maybe he was right, because it proved I can't turn a blind eye to other people's mistakes, no matter how big they are. I always try to be at peace with the situation, accepting what God has given me. Good or bad, it has become a part of my life.

Including what's happening right now with my relationship with Paul.

After twenty minutes of walking through the quiet streets of Jakarta today, we arrived at the hotel and headed straight for the presidential suite. Not surprisingly. For Paul's classmates, spending tens of millions on a room was no big deal. Yep, typical of rich people's tastes.

I took in a breath repeatedly as we waited for her mother to open the door, and when she finally appeared, I just stood there. Not sure whether to say hello or not.

"Oh, Lord, you're coming!" Anne looked surprised. "I miss you, Darling." He pulled me into his arms, but I just kept quiet without retaliating. My heart still hurts too much. "How are you?" ask her with a worried tone.

"Not too good, honestly." I said sarcastically.

He threw a look full of regret. "I'm sorry."

"It's okay." I said. "Are we going to stand here forever?" I know my words sound harsh, but I can't force myself to act like I'm okay, because I'm not.

Anne blinked. "Oh, righthand. Come in, come in." she replied awkwardly, then shifted sideways to give me a way.

I entered without saying anything while Paul and Anne followed behind. I caught them exchanging glances when I finally stopped in the living room.

"What do you want to drink, honey?" ask Anne.

"No need to bother." I replied flatly. "I came here because Paul insisted, and I don't have much time."

Paul groaned while Anne took a deep breath. They must be confused to see my attitude change. If I had always been sweet and polite in front of everyone, it wouldn't have happened again. Except to those closest to me. Time has changed everything, and I am well aware of that.

Anne's cleared her throat. "Okay, I'll still make you some tea. Wait a minute" he said, then walked to a corner of the room where there was a table, an electric water heater and a few glasses of tea on it.

Paul sat down restlessly across from me. His elbows hitchhiked on his knees and his hands clasped each other while his feet moved up and down. I don't know why I'm happy to see this view. I couldn't deny that there was a little relief I felt when I saw him back. In good condition of course.

I glanced at Anne who was now putting a glass of tea on the table in front of me. "Thank you," I said flatly.

He nodded with a smile then our gaze turned to Paul who suddenly stood up. "I'll leave you both," he said. She's staring. "I'll be back when you're done talking." He turned around and walked into one of the rooms I guessed was his room.

My eyes follow him. Watching his graceful and firm steps. His back was imprinted perfectly behind the white shirt he was wearing, his thigh muscles tightening along with his steps. And, I just realized that her body looks so much bigger than I can remember, it made me wonder to see the most intimate part of her that used to make me scream. Oh, now I really want to catch up with him. Damnit damnit!

Anne cleared her throat, drawing my attention back. "So," he hissed. "I don't know where to start, but let me apologize first. For my fault for supporting Paul's decision." he murmured solemnly. Frowning confused as he continued. "No, I won't tell you anything about Paul's decision. Wait till he tells you himself."

He danced his breath before continuing. "Dark, Sweetheart... I know what we did to you is unforgivable. I know you're suffering, I know you're hurting, I know whatever I say won't be able to reduce your suffering all this time because I shouldn't have ignored you. On the one hand I want to embrace, strengthen, and accompany you when you lose your child, but on the other hand, Paul is my son. I was willing to do anything for her, Bianka, even though it meant that I had to cut my own veins. I'll do it so he's happy. He's my only son. Well, I have Thomas, but he's not the son I was born with. It still feels different even though I've always been fair to both of them."

I threw a glance, unable to hold back tears at his words. He said he would do anything for his son, even after his son hurt me. Very selfish, but maybe that's the nature of a mother.

Anne touched my hand, but I brushed it off. He took a breath. "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry." he sobbed. "Our house has felt like hell since that day. Only Ellie manages to make it a little more alive when Thomas and Camille take her there. If they leave, then there is only silence. Paul never stopped blaming himself for your departure, but..."

"He left me, Anne, not me!" I flinched when I realized I had just snapped at him. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to be rude to you, but you should know it wasn't me going." I said more slowly.

Anne nodded. "I know, I know, Paul told me everything. He was angry, honey, he was losing. Anyone would do the same if they experienced what Paul was going through."

"I'm also lost! I suffer more than Paul. That day I begged him, I knelt down so he could forgive me even though I knew it wasn't my fault, but he left me anyway. Gosh..." I shakes in disbelief. How could he think only Paul lost while I didn't?

"Therein lies Paul's guilt, and God rebukes him right then and there." His gaze led to Paul's bedroom door. He looks so sad. For a moment I thought he was going to say something, but nothing came out of his mouth. "You can hear about that from him."

At this moment, I wonder what really happened. I was angry because he just left, but a part of me also knew that Paul couldn't have done it without a good reason. The bond between us is stronger than anything else. At least, that's what I believe.

I let out a heavy sigh, looking at Anne. "I don't know what to say" I said in a desperate tone. "I don't know what purpose you're looking for me and saying whatever reason you're avoiding me after three years have passed. But if all you want is for me to take Paul back, then that's not going to happen. At least not so fast. I've managed to get my life in order here, so don't bother persuading me."

I'm standing. "I have to go home. Say my regards to her." Call me, and without saying anything else, I turned around and stepped out. Anne called me sobbing, but I kept walking until her voice disappeared behind the door.