A is for Ara
Gathering

“How can Doctor Ali come back?”

I ignored the question my best friend asked me, the sabahat I had been with all my life. I continued walking straight to the room where I used to work, of course, followed by small steps belonging to my best friend. Jenaira Damira Ilyas, my best friend's name, she held my hand with her little energy.

“Ra?!” his whining was so small his strength could not stop my footsteps.

“Maybe Doctor Ali tried to keep the doctor's oath he had said,” my answer finally relented.

Naira was silent for a few seconds, making me have to pull her body to the edge as we stood in the middle of the hallway and blocked some passers-by. The next second he tried to reopen his mouth and just like my guess, he instantly shut his mouth. I know a lot of things are starting to fill his mind and I also know it would be better if he didn't open his mouth.

I put my foot back together to make sure Naira doesn't have any strange thoughts. A few nurses who came to see me greeted me. Social relationships like this, I really hate it. I knew manners were the best thing my parents taught me but as I got older, manners like this slowly weighed on me. Someone who is not as sociable as me, spends 90% of his energy every day because of this manners.

“Ra, but Ali.”

Ali, I haven't heard that name in a long time without frills ‘doctor’. I exhaled, making Naira lower her head. I guess in his head right now there was only breakfast but the shadow of the meeting was still inside his head.

“Naira, you have no pity on your husband?” ask me with a heavy tone, giving up my manners to him.

“Not so, Doctor Ali is not a person who can change his trust easily.”

“And therefore he can not marry you because his trust to his former fiance is still very big?”

I pulled Naira's hand, took her into my study. I didn't want to see her crying in the middle of the hallway and make the passersby wonder what was happening. I took off my hand and the next second Naira directly used her hand to wipe away the tears that fell on her cheek.

A handkerchief extended to Naira. I turned to the handkerchief and found someone I didn't want. Just as I was about to pick up the handkerchief floating in the air, Naira's face was already raised and looked at the man who gave the handkerchief.

“I can't leave you two,” my words made Naira undo her intention of taking a handkerchief that was still floating in the air.

“I'm sorry I left you with a wish and I'm sorry for coming back when your hopes have not faded completely" the man said with a bitter smile.

Naira's cry broke, making me instantly close the door as well as the curtains. I don't want to create gossip that ends in slander. I know I started all this but I didn't expect this guy to be so selfish.

“Should I beg your husband to let us be together?”

Unknowingly, I hit Ali on the head with the thick book that was in my hand. He did not even complain of pain, he just kept silent as he continued to stare at Naira with sadness. I really hate selfish men like him.

“You crazy?!” I half screamed with emotion.

“Ra.”

“No, I won't leave you two. I don't want to bear the sin of letting you two and I don't want any slander,” cut me off as soon as I see Naira's very red and tear-filled face.

“I want to ask for help to take care of my permission to go home sooner today.”

Right, there's no way someone like Naira who knows enough about religion would do such a crazy thing by telling me to leave the room. It seems like my head and prejudices are currently troubled. I exhaled before finally leaning my body against the wall to watch the show I never thought I would see.

“Ali, no, Doctor Ali, I do still have hope for you but not hope for marriage or life together. My hope for the Doctor is for the Doctor to find happiness, happiness that is not forced, happiness that is desired, and happiness that will make the Doctor happy. I do love Doctor, but that was before, now the feeling I have is only love for a sister. And this cry, the cry because I don't want the Doctor to regret anything that has happened.”

“I'm sorry.”

“No, Doctors don't need to apologize. In the past, I forced the Doctor to love me and the doubt that the Doctor gave me was in return for all the coercion I had given. I hope after this there will be no regrets between us. And I hope the doctor can rediscover a trust. I'm saying goodbye now.”

Naira smiled gently at me before opening the door. I understood the meaning of that smile, a smile of relief filled with pain. The last time I saw that smile was on her wedding day and it was the day that for the first time in my life I felt sorry for someone other than myself.

“Why didn't you tell me before Naira's wedding happened?” ali asked as soon as he knew I was going out of the room too. I opened the door, creating a gap so that people outside could know who and what was in this room.

“Will it change something?”

“Ra!!” he shouted with a tone full of anger and regret.

“Your trust in your former fiancee made all this happen. What would be different if I gave the document faster?”

“At least I..”.

“No, you will still believe it. You're not gonna change anything, Ali. You came back because you knew who Naira's husband was. You came back because you were afraid, your sister was made into an outlet by Naira. But Ali, your own brother asked for this marriage, not Naira. And your sister realized who's been in Naira's heart."

“…”

“I think after this, Naira will ask to move to be assigned to another hospital,” I said as I stood up, trying to get out of the room.

“You want me to feel the pain as you feel?”

I smiled at the question, making Ali look at me confused. He doesn't even know what kind of pain I feel and I don't even know what kind of pain he feels. This emotion-filled mindset made me want to hit him on the head once more to restore his rationality.

“Do you know what kind of pain I feel?” my question made Ali quiet.

“The pain that blinded me to happiness. That's the pain I feel, do you know how it feels?” I continued once again to make Ali only speechless.

Tok.dok..

The sound of footsteps entering my room was heard. Seeing how Ali stood up straight from where he was sitting, I could guess who had come. Even with just the sound of these footsteps, I also already knew who was coming.

“I haven't allowed Uncle in,” I said to surprise Ali. I think he was more surprised to see the reaction of the man who had just entered it just fell silent not to let out the can in his mouth as he usually let out.

“Abi Miss is still outside and ask me..”.

“Uncle,” cut me instantly make the man close his mouth.

I stood up and looked at Ali, asking him to get out of my room immediately. Without needing to ask for a second time, Ali had already stepped out. At a glance, I heard him greeting the abi who was replied with a tone full of tenderness belonging to abi, making the anger inside me triggered. A tone I haven't even heard in the past 5 years, I must have heard because of someone else.

Regardless of Uncle Salman who was abi's secretary, I walked towards my work chair. I need to be able to suppress my emotions like I have been doing for the past 5 years. I can't let emotions fill me. I'm…..

“Back home and to the central hospital.”

I still can't help it.

“Home? I only have one home.”

“How much longer does Abi have to put up with your attitude?”

“How much longer will Ara have to put up with Abi's attitude?”

“Nona.”

“Salman, exit. I want to talk to my son.”

“Lunna and Haaris home today.”

The time bomb I had kept from exploding, finally exploded after 5 years. The pain I tried to put off I finally felt completely. The harsh reality that I never accepted I finally have to accept now. The tears that I had been enduring all this time finally flowed downhill. I never knew the time bomb I made was so painful.

“Excuse Abi and Ummi-mu.”

“…”

“Ara, Abi and Ummi will give you whatever you want.”

“On what basis? The guilt? Or justice?”

“Ara.”

Tok.dok..

“Log.”

“Sorry, Doc. There are already patients waiting, already waiting for 30 minutes and VIP.” patients

“I'll be right to the check room.”

I have to thank Nurse Nisa for helping me get out of this hell. I immediately put on my doctor's suit, making Abi exhale. He looked at me with his tired gaze, as if telling me he would continue in this room until our conversation resulted in a decision.

“When Ara returns, Ara doesn't want to hear anything about that past relationship. If Ara hears it, then Ara will go to a place where Abi will not be able to find Ara,” I said before walking out of the room. Uncle Salman looked at me before finally giving me a smile that I replied with my flat face.

“The news has spread, Doc.”

I immediately looked at Nurse Nisa who somehow managed to appear right at my fifth step from the study. Nisa's nurse repeatedly looked back to see Uncle Salman and maybe Abi who left my room. Again, this morning someone else was waiting for my answer.

“News about me going back to the central hospital?”

“And news if Pediatrician of the hospital owner. Doctors should not need to cover all that, it will be easier for Doctors when arguing with other doctors about the procurement of drugs. If the Doctor does not hide it, no one will dare to Doctor.”

“Who is the source?”

“Dad Doctor himself.”

“Now patients where?”

“Dok?!” call him in a whining tone, making me even more tired.

“Sorry, I spent my energy this morning. I have to save this courtesy for the patient.”

Nisa's nurse exhaled and nodded her head like before when I didn't want to have any conversation. He was the only person in this hospital who knew how my true personality was. He never tried to talk to me, never forced me to join others, and always replaced me when interacting with others. I am grateful to have her in this hospital and wish I could take her to the central hospital without coercion.

A handkerchief was thrust at me. Nurse Nisa pointed at my eyes. There are still tears.

“Patients are already in the room.”

“How can? When not called?” ask me after removing the remains of tears and putting a handkerchief into my suit pocket.

“VVVVIP patients are not just VIPs, Doc. He seems to know the director very well. When examined later, he also asked only the Doctor, him, and his secretary who were in the room.”

“Pasin and his secretary are male?”

“Quiet, Doc. He also asked for the door to be opened a little. So, Doctor can shout if something is wrong.”

I gave Nurse Nisa a packet of chocolate kits before entering the room. Two men I didn't know greeted me with smiles. I just nodded my head at them without a smile, making the two of them look at each other.

“I hear you are the psychiatrist who empathizes the most with his patients, I don't know if you don't even return the smile of your patients,” said the man who stood up in a satirical tone, I think that's the man who's the secretary.

“Ah...where do you hear if I am a psychiatrist who empathizes most with his patients?” reply me, make the sitting man smile.

“I'm sorry,” I continued with a big smile on my face, making the two men in front of me look at each other again.

“You are very similar to him,” said the man who sat very quietly, as if he did not want to be heard by me. I have to pretend not to hear his words even though I am a little curious what ‘ resembles him’.

I opened a medical record that read ‘Aiden Athhar Hamza’, a name that is familiar to me. Only ‘Hamza’ is actually a stranger because it is the name of abi's friend and the rest is very foreign. I slowly opened one by one his medical records and my hands stopped on the second page as soon as my eyes got a diagnosis of his illness.

“Is not treatment in America better than in Indonesia?” start a consultation session.

“…”

“You need a listener, right?” ask me back after only silence filled the room for 1 minute.

“What according to Doctor, I am a person who is used to do ***free?”

“Young Master,” called the secretary in a quiet voice, as if warning his young master not to say nonsense things, even though to me the question was quite reasonable.

“If I was a layman, I would certainly say ‘ya’ but I am a doctor. I know some of the possible onset of this disease although most of course because **** is free. How do you ask this, makes me 100% sure you are not the one who did **** free,” I replied before the young master gave a silent look to his secretary.

“That diagnosis, I only found out a week ago. All this time, the people closest to me just said I had a weak immune system and I foolishly believed it. The very person I trust hides all this under the pretext of protecting me and subconsciously what he is doing is destroying me slowly. I came home from America because I wanted to propose to a woman who was always in my heart and exactly one week before I visited her house, the name of this disease came up, he said, an illness that I could not possibly tell him or her parents. More than that, I will never be able to be with him due to the presence of this disease.”

“Who would you like to blame?” my many.

The man in front of me was silent. He looked at me in surprise, as if I was right about the point of trouble in his heart. No answer from him made me open the desk drawer and take out various types of chocolate and candy. I already knew the answer from his silence, he was too good to be able to blame others, he could only blame himself but in his heart he wanted someone else or maybe his parents to blame for covering up his illness.

“It's okay to blame someone if it's what we're going through because of someone's fault. It is fine to curse or even hate someone. But, will all that make our hearts relieved?” ask me while giving a large pack of chocolate cadbury. Not to forget I also gave it to the secretary who took the chocolate from my hand hesitantly.

“Because it does not make my heart relieved,”.

“…”

“Five years ago, the man I was supposed to marry was actually married to my older sister. The man who canceled the wedding exactly one month before the event got married on the day we were supposed to get married. The painful thing was that my parents who had previously cursed the man turned around flattering him as soon as the other girls showed happiness. And the more painful thing was that the man canceled the marriage because I wouldn't be able to get pregnant, she did not want to listen to further explanations that I could get pregnant with a tube baby program but now they will do a tube baby program to get offspring after 5 years of marriage. Very ironic isn't it?” my words made the two men silent.

“You okay?” tanyanya while holding out the handkerchief I refused with a slab. I don't want to owe him anything.

“And no one in my family knows the real reason behind my marriage cancellation. I hate everyone who supports the marriage of that brother and sister. I created a time bomb that hurt myself. So, I hope that before you blame or hate others, make sure Your heart is not a heart that easily wavers because one time you falter then only the pain will be felt.”

There was a time when a stranger was the most comfortable place for me to pour out my heart because I knew I would never meet that stranger again. The times that strangers don't know who I really am and the times that strangers won't judge me in front of me are the things that make me most comfortable. I won't regret opening my mouth today because the only time bomb I've made has gone off and won't hurt me again.

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